THIS is my start...THIS is where I begin for the last time...
This is where the buck stops. I am breaking the cycle right here. I am tired of blaming, tired of wanting, and tired of hurting mentally and physically...
Let me start with a little background...I am a devoted wife, mother, and friend. I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I have used food as a comfort and a weapon. I think my real battle with food began when I was molested as a child. I used food as a weapon or my shield against those who prey on children. "No one wants to fool around with the fat girl" is what I told myself many times as I kept gaining weight to hide my pain. It was my secret, my load to bear. Somewhere deep inside, I knew it was my fault and could have done SOMETHING to stop it. THAT was a lie, an untruth in my brain. There was NOTHING I could do to stop or prevent what happened to me. It is a scar that has now left me in the shape I am... FAT...Untrusting...Always waiting for the bottom to drop out. I am a child of 2 alcoholics. I do not blame them anymore...I am the one who allowed myself to be taken in and continue to perpetuate the weight gain. It is not them who lives in this body...It is not them who is taking time from MY LIFE because I can't physically do the things I so DESPERATELY want. I am tired of blame, shame, aches, and pains. I am ready to take back what was taken from me at such a young age. I WANT MY LIFE BACK. The me I SHOULD be, instead of the me the is surviving in this body. I LOVE-ADORE-CHERISH my husband and children. I want to be the me they need. I NEED TO DO THIS FOR ME. I am not happy inside myself, not happy with what looks back at me in the mirror, not happy with the me that everyone knows. I want to be HAPPY with me. I don't know how or where to start. One day at a time? One minute at a time? Second? I wish someone could tell me how easy it will be. I wish someone would tell me how it is not going to hurt. I think I need to come to grips RIGHT NOW with the reasons I am the way that I am. It will not work until then...not forever at least. Weight loss surgery will never fix the broken heart and bruised child inside of me.
THAT is why I am going to blog...try at least every day to uncover the real me...find myself in the words on this page. Spill my heart to someone I do not know. HOLD MYSELF ACCOUNTABLE!! I need to find a pattern in my emotional eating. What is my trigger? Stress? Anger? Loneliness? I am so tired of the past RULING my future. I am taking it back. It is going to be a long road. I know I have a great support system. My super husband Jeff, and 2 Gifts from God. I am blessed, and I know it. It is time for me to show it. I am TIRED of my past taking me from them.
SO...Here I sit...at my highest weight ever...dare I share...I am ashamed to even see it in print. Much less anyone else. I used to look for pics of people at a higher weight than me. The list is much shorter these days.
BEGINNING--430.3 lbs-----Goal--HEALTHY
I am not going to set my sights too high right now. I just want to start. I think that is where I start to drift in the times before. If I am not where I think or plan to be at that point in time, I feel failure...SO, I am making a plan of mini goals and rewards THAT DO NOT SURROUND FOOD!! I think every 25lbs lost is a good start. I will post those when I complete the list.
I think I am done for my first post...Leaving with one last note...DRINK YOUR H2O!! HYDRATE TO LOSE WEIGHT!!
Signing off I'm Not There Yet...BUT I WILL BE!
